I am absolutely at my whits end this whole month. I know I HAVE been stressed out this entire pregnancy but my god, it just never seems to be getting any better. Everyday it seems like something else just falls apart or comes crashing down.

Ever get so mad that you just want to lay down and bawl? I have felt like that all day now. Maybe I'm depressed again, hell I don't know. I'm confused and irritated and screaming at everyone for no reason. A good friend of mine catches me on messenger...asks how I'm doing...and that's it. I explained to her how I was feeling and I never heard anything back for like 20mins. Then she launches into this whole issue with her bf. I was like okay, yup that's nice...WHY even bother to message someone if you don't plan on talking to them? That's like saying "Hey" and then 20 mins later..."well i need to get off here". WHY? That's so pointless and on a day like today it just really really pisses me off. I felt like telling her not to bother talking to me if she wasn't going to TALK!

Sorry girls, I'm just really in one of those damn moods today. I just want to cuss and scream at everyone. Doc today said I was STILL at a 2. After a whole week of contractions I don't see how but that's just the way it goes I guess. It just feels like everything has just been screwed from the 1st day of this month. Jay and I came up short $100 on rent and our landlord flipped out and has been threatening to throw us out for a week now. As if that isn't stressfull enough, I finally make it out of bed for the first time in 3 days yesterday only to find a disconnect notice from the electric company! Now this bill I THOUGHT he had paid. Apparently not. He won't answer me about the water bill so I'm sure it hasn't been payed either. Bills are his thing. I always trust him to pay them and I never question him. I can't believe he would gamble like this when I could go into labor at anytime. I know they say to rely on God for your needs but for goodness sake. Doesn't it also say not to tempt Him? I swear it does. Jayson has gotten in the habit (thru his parents) of relying on charity and organizations to help him. That's not always the case and sometimes they can't. Like this month, he has been around asking and NO ONE has any funds. So now we are just stuck. Jaysons parents have raised him to believe that this big bad world owes him something. He just expects everyone else to come up with money to pay his bills and then he gets pissed when they don't or can't.

I told him we needed to use his jobs wages to get the bills caught up. So yesterday he buys himself 6 packs of ciggs and two sodas and put $15 in the gas tank..all before he told me anything! I mean we have bills seriously over due in danger of being disconnected and we still need things for the baby and he is just blowing it like it's falling out of the sky! I'm at a loss for words. Then today I find out we're out of detergent and he was supposed to go make a payment on the W&D today as well. Anything else? I mean really? Can he possibly have put us in any more dire straights than this? I have no idea what we are going to do. I mean if the landlord decides to throw us out, then what? He keeps saying we'll just move but I don't want to move. And I'm certain I won't feel like moving for quite sometime after the baby. Further more, Alex for the first time in her 4yrs has finally gotten settled in this house. We have moved her around sooo much in her life that she has never been in a place longer than 3-4 mos. We have been here now for awhile and she loves it here.

I just don't know what to do ladies I'm at a loss here. What can I do to convince this man that he is gambling with so much more than just the good graces of charities? I finally stopped crying myself to sleep everynight and now he's going to have me right back in it. He is 31 yrs old and his parents taught him nothing about money other than if you don't have it, hit up a church. I mean what kind of morals is that to teach your kid? And now his own family are going to be the ones that suffer for his immaturity with finances. He has no sense of responsibility or priorities. I mean I've already named what he sees as a priority, ciggs, soda and gas. The later I can agree with but I'm gonna lose my mind if he keeps this up? He's slowly dragging Alex and myself down with him, not to mention little man. I'm really ready to just crumble up here. I just want to roll over and give up.

     I'm just really fed up with everything in general.  Right now I don't think I'd mind if I could just run away for awhile.  Life is so damned frustrating!  It doesn't help that I am trusting someone so obviously irresponsible to pay the bills.  I have mentioned to him that perhaps I should hang on to the money and pay the bills myself, when he gets paid every month.  Oh no that's just unacceptable because he says I won't make sure that he has everything that he needs.  Aww, poor baby!  Damn right I won't, because the things he THINKS he needs do not compare to the necessities that I KNOW we need as a family.  Ciggs take second place to rent and water I should think!  Maybe I'm the one who's wrong here..hell I don't know.  I'm just ready to say fuck it all.