Good day to you all!  I don't even know where to start!  Docs appnt yesterday was a tad surprising.  He told me that I was dialated to a 2-3!  So you know what that means!  Won't be long now!  He wants me to hold off giving birth for at least 2 more weeks but I don't know if that's going to happen.  He also put me on bedrest to try and hold off the labor.  C'mon peeps you know me!  Think I'm going to try and hold off labor?!  Hell No!  I'm ready to get this stuff over with!  I'm 35 weeks now so that's not too early.  Further more he seems to think that at best guess, little Leland is roughly 8 to 8 1/2 lbs. right now!  I think that giving birth now would actually be in my best interest!  I'm not trying to birth a 15 lb baby lol!

     Jayson has been acting funny ever since.  Almost like he's got something up his sleeve.  I can't quite put my finger on it yet.  He went on telling Alex this evening that he had a feeling he was going to get woke up tonight with a "time to go" yell.  C'mon now, I've had 3 kids....I doubt very seriously I would scream the house down because of the horrendous pain!  I know at this point what the hell I'm doing and I know what to expect.  Granted I have forgotten some of the feelings but I had one child straight and one with an epidural.  I've experianced just about all of the pain factor that there is to experiance with child birth.  There is not much you could tell me that I don't already know.  The thing that irritated me I guess about him telling Alex this is..I think he's got some sort of "happy family" fantasy going on in his head.  I really don't know what to tell him.  Basically right now all we have going on is a truce so to speak.  Something that we can both agree to live with.  We are together for our kids and that's basically it.  I can't see us staying together for life.  I can't even see us staying faithfull to each other while we raise these kids.  I'm ready to move on and so is he.  We however, DO NOT want to put our kids thru life with only one parent.  I'm not dogging that now because I to was raised in a single parent household.  The thing is, neither one of us want to leave our kids.  We want to be a part of their day to day life.  And by God if that means that we have to deal with each other as well than we will. 

     We seem to be getting along fine as long as he can keep it out of his head that we are getting back together.  I swear there is not one damn conversation we have where he doesn't bring up telling someone or other that we are getting back together.  I don't know why he keeps bringing it up.  It's not like it's ever going to happen.  We live together and we support our kids together.  Neither of us are in serious relationships with other people right now so it just works well for us to deal with it together.  It seems like as long as we are in agreement about being seperated, we get along like brother and sister and are best friends again.  However, when he gets on his spurt of "happily ever after" then all the sudden I start feeling trapped and I get agressive again.  Then I don't even want to be his friend.  If we could just stay married and not sleep together I think we'd be fine! LOL!  I know sounds funny right?!  It's the truth.  I have no desire to step back into any sexual relationship with him at all.  He does not turn me on in the slightest.  The bottom line I think is that when we were split up, I had much better and I do not/can not go back to this mediocre crap.  I just have this bile that works its way up my stomach at the near thought of it.  (and by the way, if you're reading this, (you know who you are),  you are not the one who was "much better")  Sorry that was a private thought!  Don't want to give anyone a false big head lol!  Flattery is great but honosty will get you further lol! 

     Jayson has also seemed to have grown quite close to his family as my delivery date has gotten closer.  All of the sudden his siblings and him are tighter than snare drums.  His dad and him talk almost everyday like old friends.  When truth be told they can't stand each other.  I have read several, "interesting" txt messages from him sister to him.  She always has these little curious responses that make you wonder what he told her.  He's quick to erase his messages so I have to be quick about reading them.  Also, he has developed quite a close relationship with a girl that used to be a mutual friend.  Now I'm not concerned with this in the slightest..HOWEVER, this girl has a known case of a STD.  I won't mention names or which disease.  I'm the one who took her for the test and I seen the results with my own eyes.  I know that she is infected.  I also know that while we were split up Jayson was having a sexual relationship with this woman.  Again, that does not bother me...except when he comes home and tries to molest me in my sleep.  I'm pregnant!  If he was to infect me with this disease it would spread to my child.  I worry about him infecting my daughter with it as well.  He has not been tested to my knowledge.  For he denies that a sexual relationship ever took place.  He's forgetting that I have read his txt messages.  There are some things that are just WAY too obvious! 

     Well bloggers, sorry to have bended your ear so long on this tiresome subject!  I hope to have more informative info for you in the next couple days!  I hope to have baby pics to share with you before too much longer!  Send me some labor dust!