I didn't sleep at all last night.  I have so much on my mind that I can't seem to focus on just one thing.  You know you've got severe anxiety when it affects your sleep!  This happens to me ALL THE TIME!  I lay down, exhausted, and then when I close my eyes, my mind starts in.  I start thinking about anything and everything.  Within an hour of tossing and turning I wind up back up sitting in front of the computer trying to figure out the answer to all of my problems. 

     Ya know, I was thinking this morning about my idea of the perfect life.  It's not what you would expect.  I wouldn't want to be a SAHM with the kids all day.  I want the perfect little suburban life.  I want a nice day office job where I can get up early, shower, get the kids off to the bus, and off to work I go, swinging by my fav. coffee jive on the way.  That's my idea of a great life.  I get off at 3 and because the kids are still in school, I have enough time to swing by the gym for a good workout before I have to pick them up.  Then I'm home in the evening just in time to scoop out the pot roast that's been cooking all day in the slow cooker.  I go to bed at night and sleep restfully because I know that my bills are paid and my house is clean.  My kids are doing great in school and I have nothing to worry about.  Yup, that's my idea of THE LIFE.  Of course this is the part in my dream where I would wake up and realize the shit hole that I'm actually living in.  Where my credit is crap, the only job I can ever get is in factories or nursing homes, and dinner is the last thing I want when I get home.  I've got no health insurance to get certain things done that I've been putting off.  I can't afford to get sick, because if we lose even one of my paychecks, we're liable to get kicked out of our rental house.  I mean life sucks!  I pray everyday that someday it will get better.  I can only pray.  And realize that it could be a lot worse!

     Right now, my biggest and more important concern is getting money somewhere to get enough gas to pick Alex up today.  We are flat broke.  I mean we are in the red in our checking, we have maybe a dollar in savings.  Basically we have nothing, nada!  We probably have enough gas to get to the station and that would be about it.  We flat.  I honostly have no idea what to do at this point.  I managed to scrape up $2 yesterday and because Jay didn't think that was enough to hang on to he spent it on ciggs.  God forbid he run out of those!  I swear that man is going to smoke us out of house and home!  He smoked probably 3 packs a day at damn near 5 bux a pack!  It's just ridicuouls.  We can't afford to support his habit.  We're going broke trying.  It's like he's a damn crack head.  I'm tired of trying.  I get so ready to give up sometimes.  Like right now, instead of sitting up helping me come up with a way for gas, he's snoozing in the living room, like it's the furthest thing from his mind.  It's enough to drive me to drink I swear! 

     I plan on going out for a few drinks next weekend.  I got a friend of mine talked into it and she better NOT back out at the last second!  I've been waiting too long for a good night out drinking!  I need to get the hell out of dodge for little bit before I go crazy!  Well Leland is sitting in his swing getting fussy, so I guess I'll hop off of here for now!  Toodles!